Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
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He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
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This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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