I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize