My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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