You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
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My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
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You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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