I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
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I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
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I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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