nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
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It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
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I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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