I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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