so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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