My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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