he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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