it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
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Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
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You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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