Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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