Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
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someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
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Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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