i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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