some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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