I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize