gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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