i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
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I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
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Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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