you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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