Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
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I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
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Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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