I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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