I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
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The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
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wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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