Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
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I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
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She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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