I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
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Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
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Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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