I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
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remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
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Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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