alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
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I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
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When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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