everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
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Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
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She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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