we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
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I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
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Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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