I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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