Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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