Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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