Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
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you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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