I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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