Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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