My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
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and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
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Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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