he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
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A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
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I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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