turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
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