There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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