im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
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about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
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I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
I did not marry a roomba.
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