just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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