I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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