On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
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I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
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Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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