i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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