I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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