She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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