Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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