I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize