when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
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i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
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my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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