If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
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You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
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Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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