i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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